Heart of Stone

Annnnnd we are back! Well, I am. And you’re here today! Last time, I shared about my secret love of marriage and finding my future husband. Today, let’s broaden that.

This is one of my favorite clips from the TV show, Friends. Rachel and Phoebe are discussing that Chandler is about to propose to Monica. “Two best friends, falling in love. I mean, how often does that happen?”

As the episode progresses, they become 80% happy, and only 20% jealous.

At this moment, I believe the writers of the show have written the conversation that I have with myself with every Save the Date and Wedding Announcement that’s ever crossed my path. Of course, I am over the moon for my friends who have come upon these wonderful, life changing moments. And unfortunately, I so often have to pretend that the tears in my eyes are solely of overwhelming love for them — when I know that part of it is the tinge on my heart. My selfish jealous tights around my lungs and squeezes out a “my turn yet?”. I swallow it, fight to breath big, and gush in love for them.It’s a hard balance. Love & Joy for others. And not letting my jealousy of their place in life to show, because I know that my love for them is more. And my jealousy needs to learn to be less. I need to learn that.

I also quickly realized that my friends may not know of my jealousy, because I hide my desire. And as I think about how I need to change that, I also become reflective over scripture that tells us that “from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks”. Therefore, if this is something that I am true passionate about, I should be welling over from the ideas of it.i have allowed my heart to build up a guarded wall, not to preserve me, but to harden myself from heartache. But heartache, like joy, love, and many others, is a part of life. It is how we take it on and move forward that define us.

In order to change my thoughts, actions,and words – I need a heart that beats again.

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