Heart of Stone

Annnnnd we are back! Well, I am. And you’re here today! Last time, I shared about my secret love of marriage and finding my future husband. Today, let’s broaden that.

This is one of my favorite clips from the TV show, Friends. Rachel and Phoebe are discussing that Chandler is about to propose to Monica. “Two best friends, falling in love. I mean, how often does that happen?”

As the episode progresses, they become 80% happy, and only 20% jealous.

At this moment, I believe the writers of the show have written the conversation that I have with myself with every Save the Date and Wedding Announcement that’s ever crossed my path. Of course, I am over the moon for my friends who have come upon these wonderful, life changing moments. And unfortunately, I so often have to pretend that the tears in my eyes are solely of overwhelming love for them — when I know that part of it is the tinge on my heart. My selfish jealous tights around my lungs and squeezes out a “my turn yet?”. I swallow it, fight to breath big, and gush in love for them.It’s a hard balance. Love & Joy for others. And not letting my jealousy of their place in life to show, because I know that my love for them is more. And my jealousy needs to learn to be less. I need to learn that.

I also quickly realized that my friends may not know of my jealousy, because I hide my desire. And as I think about how I need to change that, I also become reflective over scripture that tells us that “from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks”. Therefore, if this is something that I am true passionate about, I should be welling over from the ideas of it.i have allowed my heart to build up a guarded wall, not to preserve me, but to harden myself from heartache. But heartache, like joy, love, and many others, is a part of life. It is how we take it on and move forward that define us.

In order to change my thoughts, actions,and words – I need a heart that beats again.

Dandelion

Long, long ago, in a far off land called Missouri, one Oregon girl stuck out like dandelion in the roses at a little bible college.  One day, my small group leader had us make a list of things we wanted in our “perfect man”. She smiled smuggly at us, waiting to prove us wrong, and I remember thinking it was odd. Shouldn’t we all want the same things? Loves God, Kind, Faithful, etc. But no, the other girls listed things about how good looking he should be, that he had to play guitar, or work with kids, know about cars, provide for her, think she was the hottest thing. Out small group leader’s face became smugger and smugger with each person who was willing to share their list. She hit them with a bang — she told them how wrong it all was and that they should be focused on Christ, backing it with scripture (the ultimate Bible College whammy). I agreed with what she was aiming to get at, but not how she approached it. I couldn’t have been more glad that I did not share with them that night. In fact, I’m pretty sure I avoided sharing anything with that small group for the rest of the year.

Here’s what her “perfect man” spiel reinforced in me:

if you share something personal from the heart, you will face rejection.

This wasn’t something that I came to a conclusion to because of my old small group leader, but something that had become a truth in my life. Or at least that’s how I felt it was. I didn’t plan my future wedding because I didn’t want to get attached or heartbroken over any of it. I didn’t talk about my dream husband because I didn’t want to be disappointed or give crazy expectations to whoever I dated.

If I acknowledged these things, that made them real. And made me breakable. And I didn’t know if I could handle that.

 

Let’s discuss more on this tomorrow.

Dandelions – You see flowers in these weeds.

Bull

Leave behind your regrets and mistakes; come today there’s no reason to wait: Jesus is calling

Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy; from the ashes a new life is born: Jesus is calling

Many things have been rambling around in my life. I don’t know that’s even possible. It’s been more like a bull in an unlit children’s room full of stuffed animals. Unseen, crowded, out of place, confusing, chaos, but not necessarily doing “damage” like he would in a china shop. But if someone were to turn on the light they would see the mess. That the bull has been present for quite a while and still hasn’t found its calm.

For some reason, over the years, I have told myself that I have to keep my life together. That no one can know about my real emotions. That no one really wants to see them or deal with them. I tell myself it’s okay because I don’t lie to them, I just don’t let them into that little kids room. If I say, “Yes, times are tough. But it’s teaching me to trust in God.”– I’ve found that that suffices for most. No one asks “and what’s that like?” or “what struggles are you facing in that?” They here me answer with something God-like and they check out. I know, because I do it too. I don’t let them into the kids room because that’s where the realness is. And realness is raw. There is a tender, delicate heart inside, that desperately needs to open a door and allow the bull to leave. Or kick it out. Before he destroys the walls. 

I’m tired from it. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I am learning to trust in God. That is definitely true. It’s hard. There’s no way I could do anything or be myself without Him. I’m required to find Him in the little things. In all things. I desperately need Him. I love that I love for Him and crave His presence in my life.

What I really need? What I really need is to turn that little kids room into an altar to Him. Remind myself that He can tame the bull, that is me, into a gentle lamb.